My Buddies Behinds

March 7, 2008
  • Sitting at the wireless phone store yesterday, I did a double-take when the TV next to me-advertising some “buddy” program for cell phones-said, “don’t leave your buddies behind.” I just want all my buddies out there to know that I will never leave your behinds. Now, on with the link dump:
  • A California court orders homeschooled kids to class because the state needs to rescue kids from the emotionally stunted cloistering of their parents. And in other news, a California assistant principal has been arrested for kidnapping and raping a student. Glad to see they’ve got it all sorted out over there.
  • Now you can’t even eat the white snow.
  • I know a few ladies (and a few guys) who could claim this legal defense . . .
  • An idea whose time has so totally come. “I Park Like an Idiot” stickers. Fuggin’ brilliant.
  • A new study suggests sexy time should last between 7 to 13 minutes. Thirteen minutes?? Who am I? Bruce Jenner?
  • Speaking of sexy time, check out this nifty trick. Practical and entertaining.
  • Big Brother, I know you’re reading this. I want you to know that I’ve surrendered. I’ve pretty much lost faith in humanity. Not completely, though. It’s fair to say that there are two distinct classes emerging: those who want no responsibility over their own lives, those who have contempt for the most basic notions of courtesy and decency; and people like me, who give it their best, try to raise their kids right and treat others with respect and wish only to be left alone. I realize the latter group is too small to have much influence, so I am offering my services to you, Big Brother, in the surveillance and suppression of the former group. In exchange for you taking the boot off of my face, I will gladly man the camera monitors, listen to their phone calls, stage unannounced inspections and any other duties you might require. I’m ready to help. Please remember this when That Day comes.

I’m watching you.


On the Dark Side, Oh Yeah

May 1, 2006

I ran across this article in Maxim about a book I read a couple of years ago, The Collector, by John Fowles. It’s about a disturbed young man who collects butterflies and moves up to collecting people.

According to Pat Brown, a criminal profiler quoted in the story, only the Bible has had a greater influence on the minds of psychopathic killers. The Collector has been linked to 5 serial killers and 40 murders. Brown says the novel provides an accurate look into “how the thinking of a serial killer works.” There is little, if any, violence in the book. It is mostly a psychological duel between the girl and her captor.

Fowles claimed the book was nothing more than the “hope and vitality” of society being crushed by the “mediocrity.” However, Fowles’s private diaries revealed that “from puberty until recently, I frequently had conscious fantasies, or nocturnal daydreams, about imprisoning women underground,” and that he fantasized about “a forcing of my personality as well as my penis on the girl concerned.” Fowles found a way to channel those dark fantasies, but some of his readers did not.

The last paragraph of the article appears to cast blame on Fowles, which makes me uncomfortable. While the book may have an abnormal influence on the criminal minded, it should be remembered that the criminal mentality must be present for the book to wield its perverse influence. It cannot force a person to act against their will. There must be some receptivity to begin with.

Talk about gazing into the abyss.

Diana Inquiry More Complex Than Expected

January 27, 2006

A British inquest into the death of Princess Diana is “more complex” than officials anticipated. Lord Stevens, former head of the London Metropolitan Police and head of the investigation, states that “it is right to say that some of the issues that have been raised by Mr. Fayed [father of Diana’s boyfriend Dodi Fayed] have been right to be raised.” This is a stunner, friends.

And just what has Mohammed al Fayed alleged? That Diana and Dodi were assassinated by British Intelligence officials carrying out a plot hatched by Prince Philip, husband of the Queen.

Lord Stevens did not reveal what parts of the Diana conspiracies he feels are worth taking serious. Watch your back, mate.

How I Will Die

January 16, 2006

While watching whales in an observation area of the aquarium, a suicidal maniac shoots the glass wall of the tank with a shotgun. Four million gallons of water quickly rush out of the tank and into the hallway, drowning you and everyone else around.

So says the Death Psychic. How will you die?

"Your Papers, Please"

January 12, 2006

The Ohio legislature——having never read the words of Jefferson, Franklin or Paine, having never read a novel by Orwell or Huxley, having never read a history text—has quietly passed a law allowing police to demand identification without probable cause. Refusing to identify yourself to an officer could land you in jail. An additional provision in the law requires Ohio citizens applying for a driver’s license to sign a form stating they haven’t supported terrorist organizations (not sure what defines a “terrorist organization”).

Let’s see terrorists get around that one, ha!

Actually, if letting police stop us at random to demand I.D. makes us safer, then allowing them to enter our homes at will and search our underwear drawers ought to really make us safe. Hell, just put us all in detention centers with cameras watching our every move. Then we’ll be safe as shit, and that’s all that matters, right? Safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe!

Those Damn Demons

January 10, 2006

Finally got to see “The Exorcism of Emily Rose.” I was anxious to see this film when I first heard of it, as I knew it was a dramatization of the attempted exorcism of Anneliese Michel, who died when medical attention was withheld during the ritual.
When I was a kid, one book I constantly borrowed from the library was “Mysteries of the Unexplained,” a Reader’s Digest book. It covers everything paranormal (up until about 1980, that is). I found a copy in a used bookstore a few years ago, and I still enjoy thumbing through it once in a while. One of the stories in the book that always haunted me was a short article about Anneliese, and I remember how tragic it seemed that this girl died in the grip of Satan.
Anyway, I told you all of that to tell you this: there was a scene in the movie——very well done and very scary, by the way——that brought back a chilling memory for me. Go lock your door and read on:
One night, about 6 or 7 years ago, I was in bed with my wife, and I woke up, unable to move. I could move my feet and hands and head, but it was as if metal cuffs restrained my legs, arms and neck. I felt a heaviness on my chest, as if someone were sitting on it. Indeed, at first I suspected that one of our cats might have been curled up there, but the cats—perceptive creatures that they are——were nowhere to be found. I struggled against my invisible bonds, but I was pinned to the bed. Oh, and no, I was not asleep. I have 34 years experience in sleeping and being awake—I know the difference. I began to panic, a state of mind I rarely experience. My hands and feet fluttered around helplessly. I tried to lift my head, and I felt something pushing against my mouth. I attempted a scream, but all I could manage was a muffled “mrrrrgh!” against the invisible hand muzzling me. It was enough noise to wake up my wife, and when she shot up awake, the spell was broken. I caught my breath, and didn’t sleep so well for the next few nights.
I can’t tell you what caused it, whether it was some odd brain activity or dark forces. All I know for sure is that it happened and scared me silly. One thing I did realize afterward is that what I experienced was a drop in the bucket compared to what poor Anneliese had to endure. I would guess that people under such a strange influence don’t much give a shit what’s causing it, they would just like it to be over.
If you have a similar story, I would love for you to share it.

Disaster Top Ten

September 19, 2005

Here’s a list of the ten worst natural disasters waiting to strike the United States. Along with the ones we already take for granted (mega-earthquakes, asteroid strikes), there are more nasty events waiting to happen. For example, there’s an active volcano under Yellowstone National Park that is set to blow anytime, and when it does, it will cover half the country in three feet of ash.
Two of the top ten biggest earthquakes in U.S. history were centered in New Madrid, Missouri. Alaska had seven of the others. California had only one.
It might seem odd, but I take comfort in this. It’s nice to know that there’s some things “they” can’t control.