March 19, 2008
You’ve probably already heard about the poor woman who went in for a leg operation and got a sphincter switch instead.
- If she likes the new butthole, does she get to keep it?
- How much does a new butthole cost?
- Where is the butthole store (and I don’t mean Wal-Mart)?
- Did they cut the tags? I’ll bet they didn’t even cut the tags.
- How awkward was it in the operating room when they realized their mistake?
- Will the court members be able to stop giggling at the malpractice trial?
- Will the woman’s lawyer tell the jury the difference between a leg and an asshole?
- Will she have to drop trou in front of the jury, so they can see the new one sparkle?
Really, folks, it’s not funny at all . . .
February 7, 2008
Alas, the rumors aren’t true.
It was reported that Camden-Rockport Middle School had banned intentional flatulence, which is properly defined as “flatus expelled through the anus” and that intentional farting could result in detention. However, Principal Maria Libby says that there is no new school policy on blowing ass, although she admits that “farting can still be considered a disruption.”
Says student Jordan Taylor: “They [eighth-grade students] would do it [heiney honk] in science class and other places. It’s a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day.” Hey, maybe you only do it 16 times a day, my little eighth-grade leprechaun, but a real man does it 16 times an hour.
One student expressed mixed feelings as to whether or not the public fart show was appropriate. Mixed feelings? If delivering a butt burp were ever appropriate, it wouldn’t be funny.
“Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.”
Oh, I’ll bet that meeting was a hoot . . . or was it a toot?
January 26, 2008
The FCC is always good for a chuckle. They are proposing a $1.4 million dollar fine against ABC affiliates because a woman’s tushie appeared on TV nearly five years ago. Apparently, the “NYPD Blue” episode showed “multiple, close-up views of a woman’s naked buttocks.” (Netflix, here I come.)
Apparently, the debate is over the exact status of a woman’s ass. Is it an excretory or sexual organ? ABC argues that the tookas is not a sexual organ. The FCC disagrees, which makes you wonder what they’re doing at the Christmas party.
So, let the debate begin. Is the booty an excretory or sexual organ???
September 10, 2007
Women are paying more attention to our butts, fellas. Some of the top-of-the-line bottom treatments include: scar and hair removal, “butt therapy,” hip reduction, hip implants, fat reduction and removal of chicken pox scars . . . .
Or, you could shave your own ass, stop scratching your butt when you have chicken pox and do a few lunges.
Next patient, please.
September 14, 2006
- A bumpersticker I saw yesterday: Hell . . . it ain’t the heat, it’s the humidity. Hmm, didn’t know that.
- Words of profound wisdom from Larry the Cable guy: “The Lord Jesus died for my sins, and if I ain’t sinnin’, then he died in vain.”
- If you work in a parking garage, I have a tip: If I’m pulling into the garage, you don’t need to wave me in. I’m okay.
- I suddenly realized that even though I could name a lot of people that Justin Timberlake has dated, I have never heard him sing. Does he sound like a girl? ‘Cause that’s probably why.
- Does anyone else find themselves lost in Wikipedia? The other day I spent two hours reading up on pro wrestlers I used to watch as a kid. I certainly don’t watch wrestling anymore, but I couldn’t stop myself from finding out what happened to Junkyard Dog (he’s dead). Anyway, when you’re wandering through Wikipedia, you never know where you’re going to end up. You might, say, stumble across an article on spandex fetishism. You’re welcome.
- I need to keep a parenting journal. The girls are saying and doing so many cool things, I keep thinking to myself, “I’ve gotta remember that!” Why is it that in order to fully appreciate a moment, you have to be acutely aware that the moment is going to end?
- Last night I finished the first draft of my second screenplay. I feel pretty damned good about this one. It’s nice to finally feel like life is pushing you down a clear path. Of course, the odds are ridiculously long, but it’s all been a refreshing change of pace.
- I became unbelievably aroused looking at this. I know some of you will, too.
- It suddenly occurred to me that next month is Halloween. Now I’m giddy. I’m thinking about being a fat Elvis this year. Not sure. All I know is that it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Vampires, werewolves, witches, goblins, dank dungeons, misty woods, ah . . . I’m alive again.
Have we not heard the bells at midnight?