So, do they actually need an office?

October 19, 2006

I’m guessing that once you’ve read the sign, you have all the advice you need.


No More Bullstuff

October 18, 2006
  • Today, we had a phone message. After the beep, the message began with the caller in mid-sentence, meaning they were talking before the beep, which means they were talking during our recorded greeting, which means they are fucking stoopid, I guess.
  • I love October. It’s my favorite month. When the leaves turn and a chill seizes the air, there’s nothing I love more than to sit down with a cup of something hot and escape into a good gothic classic. There’s nothing like getting lost in crumbling castles, sinister monastaries, ghosts, ghouls and vampires. I love it.
  • I just read a story about the father of the boy Madonna is trying to adopt. He is poor, without a pot to piss in (literally), and he rides his bicycle 25 miles over treacherous terrain to visit his son in the orphanage to bring him food and visit.
  • I think it’s cool that Madonna wants to give this little boy a good life. I’ll admit I have some skepticism about the whole affair, but what I wonder about is this: There is no reason for the boy to be separated from the father. Madonna has plenty of coin in the bank to give the father an education or a good job (or both). That’s what bugs me about this whole affair. She could give them a good life and keep them together.
  • My daughter refers to Curious George as “Ceemus George.” It’s amusing to me that they will fearlessly attempt to pronounce anything, unaware of how their little mispronunciations entertain us. She’s a good example to follow, actually.
  • A list of the most influential people who never lived.
  • I’m writing this at the University library, and I would like to say the following to the obnoxious asshole at the next table: “You are a doofus. Women don’t desire you, men don’t admire you, children don’t want to be you. You are nothing but an inconsiderate lout, a pathetic trend-follower who will never be relevant. You will die at an old age (for asswipes like you never do us the favor of dying early) as dull as you are now. I wouldn’t mind your loud manner of speaking if you would just say something interesting.” There. I feel better.
  • Also while at the library, I saw two cute butts coming down the stairs . . . they were both guys. I was worried until a female ass came along and I was able to guess the correct gender. Whew.
  • I have decided that my posts will be funnier if I switch from using swear words to the goofy substitute swear words that non-cussers use. So, no more bullstuff from here on.

Bye, poopyheads.

The Media Catches Up

October 16, 2006

An interesting item in the news: “Do Real Men Wear Flip-Flops?” And I quote:

“I’m always baffled at what makes men think women will be attracted to them in a two-for-$10 pair of Wal-Mart flip-flops,” he said. “No one wants to look at a man’s dirty, hairy, nasty toes. And whenever you see a man wearing flip-flops, 90 percent are not groomed toes—that probably hurt the cause of flip-flops more than anything else.”

Just remember, Jimmy was here first:

Unless you’re going to the beach or working in your yard (and I say “you” because I take care of my feet), you have no business wearing sandals. Women’s feet are lovely, polished and pampered. Most men’s feet look like they stomp shit barefoot for a living. Trust me, Bruno, no one wants to see your cracked, gnarled, dirt-encrusted, fungus-ridden dogs at anytime.

Timeless advice is good forever. Was that redundant?

Book Club Pick

October 12, 2006

If you want a good gag gift, or want to mess with people’s minds, you can order these hilarious book flaps.

Public Service Announcement

October 6, 2006

According to Iran’s Ayatolla Khameini, if you masturbate during Ramadan, it invalidates your fasting. But, what if you “shake hands with the general” but don’t spunk? Then what? So says the Ayatolla:

If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting.

So, there you have it. If it “really comes out,” your fast doesn’t count.

Sorry, Davis.

Rockin’ the Republicans

October 3, 2006

Elvis & Me

October 3, 2006
  • Ashton Kutcher says that Bill Clinton ignored him while chatting up his wife, Demi Moore. As much as it pains me, I have to take Bill’s side on this one, Ashton. If I’m ever at a table with you and Demi, you may as well be in China, cuz I won’t know you’re there.
  • A recent article in The Sun claims that George Michael is “off his trolley.” “Off his trolley” . . . I like that.
  • The gig for the Nebraska governor went well. I didn’t get to meet the governor, but the gig was a lot of fun. We blasted some good ol’ classic and British invasion rock. It was held in the basement of a beautiful (and very large) home in Omaha. I felt a tad out-of-place amongst all the well-dressed Republican money people, but hey, I’m with the band. Also performing was the best Elvis impersonator I’ve ever seen. His name was Greg, and he was the nicest guy you could want. He rhinestone-studded suit and hair and sideburns and wig were dead-on. He had the moves, and even had the voice. He even sang the “American Trilogy” and nailed it. I’ll post a few pics.
  • Washington D.C. police have been forced to admit that surveillance cameras are not making the city safer. D.C. had a bloody weekend: 11 people shot, 4 fatally. Don’t expect the cameras to go away, though. They aren’t actually there to keep people safe. They are there to keep track of everyone, and when the time comes, they will be everywhere, and I mean everywhere.
  • So Mark Foley wanted to screw a page. So what? How well does he do his job? That’s the only important question. Character is overrated. Besides, only a moron parent would send their kid to be a page in Congress . . . without teaching them about safe sex, that is.
  • This animation is very, very cool.
  • Here’s a site that has loads of movies, short films, cartoons, stand-ups, concerts and documentaries that have fallen out of copyright. Perusing the list, I see not all of them are out of copyright, but there are some great classic B-movies and horror movies.
  • Once in a while, I’m acutely aware of the passing of time. Not sure what does it. Maybe it’s the change of the season. Whatever the reason, sometimes I find myself unable to say “no” to my daughters. The other night, while the Husker game was on, I did everything they asked. If they wanted to play this or that, if they wanted me to carry them or swing them or pretend like they’re flying, I would do it. It’s fun to do that sometimes. It’s also exhausting beyond belief. It’s a good kind of tired, though.

I have my energy back now, so watch out.