Amen, Brother

February 27, 2006

“I don’t care what the prevailing social circumstances are, I don’t care what the cultural climate is like, I don’t even care what this will do to my career—I simply want to go as far as my mind will take me because I believe I am safer, in the most sublime sense of the word, if I can embrace every possibility that one’s mind throws up. However perverse. However dark. However grim.”

—Clive Barker


Don’t Everybody Call at Once

February 24, 2006

Here is the notorious Contract of Wifely Expectations. I don’t see what the big deal is. Among the highlights:

  • Oh, never mind. Just read it. There’s no condensing it.

Unfortunate Headline of the Day

February 24, 2006

I suppose there’ll be riots over this, too.

What a Piece of Work Is Man!

February 23, 2006

A deathmask found in 1842 may be that of William Shakespeare. Of course, we all know that Francis Bacon is the true author of the Shakespeare plays. Or maybe not.

"Death by Misadventure"

February 22, 2006

If you’re jumping up and down on your bed, playing air-guitar, try to avoid bouncing out your third-story window to your death.

Here endeth the guitar lesson.

A Note to eBay Sellers

February 22, 2006

I’m getting tired of you lazy-ass sellers on eBay. Some sellers are very good and professional, but too many of you need the following advice:

  • When I’m buying something from you, that makes you the merchant and me the customer, and it is up to you to make sure I’m satisfied with the transaction. Therefore, don’t sit around waiting for me to leave you positive feedback before you leave your own. If I’ve paid for the item, I’ve satisfied my obligations as a buyer and you have no good reason to hold back feedback.
  • It doesn’t cost $8 to ship a DVD. If you want a guaranteed amount for your item, add it to the opening bid, but don’t insult me with outrageously inflated shipping costs.
  • When I have purchased something, I expect an email within 2 business days thanking me for my purchase and informing me when the item will be shipped. I should not have to babysit you and contact you after a week to find out where the hell my purchase is. If there’s a delay, fine. Not a problem. Just keep me in the know.
  • Learn to write a decent description.
  • Learn some grammar.
  • WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THE MARK OF AN AMATEUR!!!!!! Having a list of terms and conditions that reads longer than War and Peace is the mark of an idiot. Having terms and conditions that are full of terse commands to the buyer is the mark of an asshole.
  • Learn to spell. I’ve seen spelling on eBay that looks like someone let their cat walk across the keyboard. Actual quote: “Please do not bid if you DONNOT agree the above terms . . .” Okay, I willn’t bid for that case. Stupid ass.
  • Do some market research. I’m not about to pay $30 (plus shipping) for a used book I can get new for $20. Don’t waste space with such a dipshit listing.

I suppose I could just say “be considerate” or “follow the Golden Rule,” but what fun would that be? Shape up.

Perchance to Dream

February 22, 2006

Sadly, I was not the Nebraskan who won the 365 million. It should be obvious, for if I had won the dough, you would all have already been flown out for the wildest, loudest, nakedest party you’ve ever seen. I’d have hired the Rolling Stones to play. Most importantly, I would have launched my presidential bid. The world came so close. Maybe next time.