Boy, if I had it to do over, cryptozoology is the field I would go into. Here are the top cryptozoology stories of 2005, including that big-ass squid and the Disney Yeti expedition . . . . Disney Yeti expedition??
Having solved all problems of overpopulation, hunger and disease, scientists now turn their attention to studying the effects of select garments and fabrics on the appearance of the female derriar, uh, derrier, er, ass.
From now on, when we men get that dreaded question, we can preface our answer by saying, “Well, honey, studies have shown . . . “
If you’re a TV talk-show host conducting an interview about sex with the handicapped, try not to laugh like a hyena at your guest’s helium voice. It’s not in English, but no translation is necessary.
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After turning off a DVD I’d been watching, I caught a snippet of “Law and Order,” a show I’ve never seen.
Did you know that if you put an electrified probe up a dead man’s bum and give him a charge, you can collect sperm that’s still viable if you get it within 30 hours of his death? No? Well, you’re welcome.
I caught a conversation on TV last night about immigration. One of the talking heads was vomiting the usual cliches about how it should be okay for businesses to exploit immigrant labor because they will “do the jobs Americans won’t do.”
Well, maybe there’s a little truth to that, but reviewing my own work history, I have worked on a garbage truck, worked in lawn care in stifling heat and drenched in sweat, unloaded freight trucks at the buttcrack of dawn, worked for Servicemaster where I cleaned restrooms so covered in shit it looked like someone’s ass exploded and ladies’ rooms with used tampons unrolled across the floor and gone to the hospital for razor cuts, injured backs and dog bites in the ass.
This is not to pat myself on the back, but to say that I sure get a chuckle when I see some pink-fingered Ivy leaguer on TV lecturing me about the work Americans won’t do.