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You Can Still Fart in America

Alas, the rumors aren’t true.

It was reported that Camden-Rockport Middle School had banned intentional flatulence, which is properly defined as “flatus expelled through the anus” and that intentional farting could result in detention. However, Principal Maria Libby says that there is no new school policy on blowing ass, although she admits that “farting can still be considered a disruption.”

Says student Jordan Taylor: “They [eighth-grade students] would do it [heiney honk] in science class and other places. It’s a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day.” Hey, maybe you only do it 16 times a day, my little eighth-grade leprechaun, but a real man does it 16 times an hour.

One student expressed mixed feelings as to whether or not the public fart show was appropriate. Mixed feelings? If delivering a butt burp were ever appropriate, it wouldn’t be funny.

“Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.”

Oh, I’ll bet that meeting was a hoot . . . or was it a toot?

Editor’s Day Off

The headline and the photo do not belong together . . . I hope.

I Want Out of this Box

I’m going to get out of this box soon. No, not Britney Spears’.

So, do they actually need an office?

I’m guessing that once you’ve read the sign, you have all the advice you need.

Get Your Tickets Here

Here’s some more silliness for us all to try. Make your own concert ticket.

Cannibals Soup

Did anyone else have these trading cards as a kid? They were a take-off on popular products of the day. Boy, I had forgotten all about these. Funny.

Star Trek Inspirational Posters

Oh, you just gotta love this, my friends. A series of Star Trek-themed spoofs on those annoying inspirational posters in your boss’s office.

Words to Live By

I thought it would be fun to peruse all the comment threads from the past year, and pull comments out at random and post them here, completely out-of-context. It was fun to relive some of the silliness we’ve engaged in together.

• Mmmmm….Monica Belluci. I’m not a lesbian, but if I were…damn!, by Tree.
• I think it’s called “golden time” because that’s when everyone pisses their pants, by Jimmy.
• I’m guessing they had special velvet toilet paper flown in from France or something. They don’t tell you that shit……, by Davis.
• And naughty Jimmy, volunteering for shower duty, by Monkey.
• If Maine is the tailpipe, what does that make Florida??, by Jimmy.
• Tell that to the guys who whizzed on the electric fence. No science involved. Trial by error, I should think! HA!, by Davis.
• Yeah, between the nudists and the flashers, all sorts of things are swingin’, by Jimmy.
  
• I’d go to church if they gave me free chocolate and had a weekly exorcism, by Chris.
• Oh, yes… spank me… harder, harder. I would elect you in a minute, as long as you keep smoking those cigars. , by Defiantly Damned.
• Chris and I should have healthy kids, since we don’t normally wear deodorant, by Heather.
• No, no, NO! Not the BUTTER KNIFE!!, by Defiantly Damned.
• “Heey! Dat rook rike stohm!! Must take peetcha”!, by Davis.
• Stop it! This is turning me on to no end, by Tree.
• I’ve been told that I have lovely Welsh feet. Small, well formed, great arches. The rest of me is gruesome, however, by Fletcher.
• No matter what, we’re all gonna die! Aaarrrgghhhhhh!!!!!, by Chris.
• What’s with the little flowers, Mr. Happy-Pants?, by Davis.
• So perhaps it was an exorcisim of a Russian Bigfoot?, by Chris.
• You wouldn’t think that female ejaculation would ever go out of style, but “to everything there is a season,” by Jimmy.
• I’m starting to think Dr. Phil was placed here by an “enemy” country. Anyone else?, by Stephanie.
• That’s it. I’m suing those bastards for using my pic to advertise their “girly” shorts, by Davis.
• You must follow the Church of Fletcher! Obey the Fist! Obeeeeeyyy me! (Invader Zim), by Fletcher.
• I’m not sure how one manages to shove a cell phone up one’s ass, by Tree.
• Great Glowing Gonads Batman!, by Stephanie.
• That’s really cool except that the rubbery-ness of her body started making me think of a corpse, although I suppose she could just be unconscious…, by Chris.
• You bastard, by Davis.
• You bastard, by Kati.
• Jimmy! You no good bastard!, by Monkey.
• Well, if you shoved an electric probe up my bum and activated it you’d get quite alot of viable sperm, too. The difference between me and the dead guy is that I’d be willing to cuddle and hold the probee afterwards. I’m thoughtful that way, by Fletcher.
• Yeah, I’m a sucker for the slimy green ones with the vacant eyes. Tentacles are just a bonus, by Tree.
• It’s in the contract. They can’t tell you for fear of John Voight whackin’ their head off with a machete……..(he’s crazy, you know), by Davis.
• This made me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon, by Tree.
• God doesn’t give a shit about Kabbala, by Jimmy.
• I want that done too when I die. A volume of my erotic writings bound in my own skin. That’d be hot, by Tree.
• I am not a PUSSY on the road and would have held the bitch off if it meant wrecking her, by Shad.
• Weeee!! Free moon boots for everyone!!, by Stephanie.
• That reminds me of the fat naked guy selling a tea kettle or something, by Davis.
• I’m betting that the Chief in Texas does not actually have sex, by Stephanie.
• I’m usually too self-conscious to flatulate in front of strangers, by Fletcher.
• Scooby would bite Tim’s wiener off, I bet, by Davis.
• I alvays suspected da Borg vere Svedish, yah. “Ole, resistance is a-futile, dontcha know,” by Jimmy.
• When I first read this post, I thought why would someone want a skin for a penis from Billy Joel?, by Chris.
• I never thought I would hit a website and see my brother’s spandex covered ass. I’m scarred for life….., by Davis.
• Is that a cucumber in your pants or are you just glad to see me?, by Tricia.
• Amazingly enough, I have 4 hoes in my garage, by Kristin.
• The iron corset is kinda hot, but the voyeuristic chamber pot gives me the creeps, by Tree.
• Fletcher I do believe you need to tell your waiter how you want your placenta grilled, by Tricia.
• Yes, I have invisible pee, by Wonder Woman.
• The thought of penis replacement makes me wince. And I’m not even a guy! by Chris.
• I couldn’t read the bit about the Hieros Gamos without thinking of rabbit cock, by Tree.
• My penis is small but functional, by Fletcher.
• Obviously our worth is as potential fetal containers, by O.
• I know that unless you wrap your kid in bubblewrap, at some point he’s going to take a fall somewhere, by Chris.
• If the Grail turns out to be the anthropomorphic incarnation of the feminine principle, as postulated by some, I wish to have a dip into her, by Fletcher.
• Hey, if one farmer from Tatooine can blow up the whole Death Star with a little rocket blaster, the Enterprise would have absolutely no problems, by Heather.
• Who you calling a sheat hed?, by Tricia.
• Okay. So tell me. How much is a buttload, exactly? Is it bigger than a shitload, and less than a fuckload?, by Tree.
• I can’t believe they even need a term for licking the eyeballs for sexual arousal, by Chris.
• I don’t think “fun girl” on the ass of a 5 year old is fun at all, by Kristin.
• Some things shouldn’t be shared, but I had a cat that meowed back if you burped at him, by Monkey.
• The boys are all about armpit farts now, by Davis.
• Oooh, I think my cat looks like Hitler too. Except he has two balls, by Tricia.
• That horse has an awesome ass, by Monkey.
• It’s people like him that give the rest of us pot-smokers a bad name, by Heather.

Y’all crack me up. Really.

"I know your dick is short."

Today I received a spam email selling Viagra. The pitch? “I know your dick is short.”

Well, ain’t that a beauty? That’s the way to sell me something, yessir.

“I know your dick is short, care to give to the United Way?”

“I know your dick is short, you’d look lovely in this Hummer.”

Jesus.