What are the Odds?

In the 19th century, Edgar Allan Poe wrote a book called “The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym.” It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl, Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open boat for many days. Eventually the three senior members of the crew killed and ate the cabin boy. The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.

The rest of them are equally creepy.

Remember Me?

Elephants in Uganda have taken to blocking roads and attacking villages, apparently without cause. However, scientists believe the attacks may be retaliation for massive poaching in the 70’s and 80’s, when elephants were orphaned and witnessed their mothers and fathers being slaughtered. Elephants are senstive and intelligent enough to take revenge, say the scientists.

“The more human beings they see, the less tolerant they become.”

Tell me about it.

"Doc, My Wife is an Alien"

Here’s a list of strange afflictions that sure beat the hell out of cancer. Among the highlights:

• Capgras Syndrome: A mental condition in which the sufferer believes that his wife or spouse——or even himself——has been stolen and replaced with a sinister doppelganger.
• Pica: A “compulsive appetite for non-edible items, including clay, stones, cigarette ash, paint, glue, laundry starch, ice and even hair,” and rice cakes.
• Foreign Accent Syndrome: Damage to the speech areas of the brain can alter pitch, pronunciation and speech patterns, and cause you to speak like Inspector Clouseau without warning.
• Alien Hand Syndrome: “This bizarre syndrome involves losing control of one hand, which can do anything from gesticulating to unbuttoning clothes its owner is trying to put on with his or her other hand.” Sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to touch you there . . . it’s my Alien Hand Syndrome.
• Penis Panic: Common in less developed parts of the world, Penis Panic occurs when a man believes his dick is being stolen or is disappearing into his body. They don’t realize that pee-pees shrink in the cold or in old age. They obviously have never seen the “I was in the pool!” Seinfeld episode.

In the meantime, I apologize in advance for my Alien Hand Syndrome.

What a Piece of Work Is Man!

A deathmask found in 1842 may be that of William Shakespeare. Of course, we all know that Francis Bacon is the true author of the Shakespeare plays. Or maybe not.

I Had A Really Weird Dream

In 2000, an Alabama man, Rod Spraggins, began having dreams about a murdered woman. In his dreams, the woman told Spraggins that she had been murdered by her husband. The alleged murderer was at the time a candidate for city council, and Spraggins entered the race for the express purpose of accusing the husband of the crime.

In a public forum attended by 100 people, Spraggins not only accused the husband of murdering his wife, but dared him to sue if Spraggins was wrong.

The husband never sued and for good reason . . . he did it.

"Let’s Get Ready to . . . "

. . . shit your pants! He’s the Beast from the East (that’s him on the left, in case you don’t have your glasses on).

No, he’s not the antichrist. He’s Nikolay Valuev, WBA Heavyweight Champion. He’s 7 feet tall, weighs 323 pounds and has an 85-inch reach. He boxes, enjoys literature, writes poetry and will beat the holy hell out of you if you disrespect his wife.

You gotta problem widdat?

Well, Here’s a Shock

A study concludes that partisan idealogues are real good at pointing out the speck in their opponent’s eye, but not so good at removing the plank from their own.

Test subjects divided into Democrat and Republican were shown video of George Bush and John Kerry contradicting themselves. Both groups quickly spotted the inconsistencies of the enemy, but denied contradictions by their own man.

So says the psychologist directing the study:

Everyone from executives and judges to scientists and politicians may reason to emotionally biased judgments when they have a vested interest in how to interpret “the facts.”

Well, that’s comforting, eh?

The march to progress moves steadily sideways . . .

I Vant Your Vote

Saying politics is a “cut-throat business,” self-proclaimed vampire and satanic priest Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey—of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party—is running for governor of Minnesota.

His platform? If elected, Sharkey will:

• Emphasize tax breaks for farmers, education and better benefits for veterans.
• Post “everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed” in government buildings.
• Personally execute convicted murderers and child molesters by impaling them on a wooden pole on the lawn of the state capitol (he just got my vote).

Sharkey drinks blood from the neck of his wife. He doesn’t hate Jesus, but considers God the Father to be his mortal enemy.

I’d love to see him debate on TV.

Skin as White as Snow . . . Lips as Red as Blood

Why are Goth chicks so hot??

"They Really Want to Be Scared"

Self-mocking horror movies that were no more frightening than a cloudy day are out, and in-your-face, bad-ass grindcore films are back in—and it’s about bloody (sorry) time.
Director Eli Roth (“Cabin Fever,” “Hostel”) says, “I think scary movies are back. People clearly don’t want to see a horror movie to laugh.” It’s about damn time somebody came to their senses. We’ll enjoy it while it lasts, I suppose.

In a related story, Jason Voorhees is 25. Be sure to keep your distance when he cuts the cake.