Amen, Brother

“I don’t care what the prevailing social circumstances are, I don’t care what the cultural climate is like, I don’t even care what this will do to my career—I simply want to go as far as my mind will take me because I believe I am safer, in the most sublime sense of the word, if I can embrace every possibility that one’s mind throws up. However perverse. However dark. However grim.”

—Clive Barker

Don’t Everybody Call at Once

Here is the notorious Contract of Wifely Expectations. I don’t see what the big deal is. Among the highlights:

• Oh, never mind. Just read it. There’s no condensing it.

Unfortunate Headline of the Day

I suppose there’ll be riots over this, too.

What a Piece of Work Is Man!

A deathmask found in 1842 may be that of William Shakespeare. Of course, we all know that Francis Bacon is the true author of the Shakespeare plays. Or maybe not.

"Death by Misadventure"

If you’re jumping up and down on your bed, playing air-guitar, try to avoid bouncing out your third-story window to your death.

Here endeth the guitar lesson.

A Note to eBay Sellers

I’m getting tired of you lazy-ass sellers on eBay. Some sellers are very good and professional, but too many of you need the following advice:

• When I’m buying something from you, that makes you the merchant and me the customer, and it is up to you to make sure I’m satisfied with the transaction. Therefore, don’t sit around waiting for me to leave you positive feedback before you leave your own. If I’ve paid for the item, I’ve satisfied my obligations as a buyer and you have no good reason to hold back feedback.
• It doesn’t cost $8 to ship a DVD. If you want a guaranteed amount for your item, add it to the opening bid, but don’t insult me with outrageously inflated shipping costs.
• When I have purchased something, I expect an email within 2 business days thanking me for my purchase and informing me when the item will be shipped. I should not have to babysit you and contact you after a week to find out where the hell my purchase is. If there’s a delay, fine. Not a problem. Just keep me in the know.
• Learn to write a decent description.
• Learn some grammar.
• WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THE MARK OF AN AMATEUR!!!!!! Having a list of terms and conditions that reads longer than War and Peace is the mark of an idiot. Having terms and conditions that are full of terse commands to the buyer is the mark of an asshole.
• Learn to spell. I’ve seen spelling on eBay that looks like someone let their cat walk across the keyboard. Actual quote: “Please do not bid if you DONNOT agree the above terms . . .” Okay, I willn’t bid for that case. Stupid ass.
• Do some market research. I’m not about to pay $30 (plus shipping) for a used book I can get new for $20. Don’t waste space with such a dipshit listing.

I suppose I could just say “be considerate” or “follow the Golden Rule,” but what fun would that be? Shape up.

Perchance to Dream

Sadly, I was not the Nebraskan who won the 365 million. It should be obvious, for if I had won the dough, you would all have already been flown out for the wildest, loudest, nakedest party you’ve ever seen. I’d have hired the Rolling Stones to play. Most importantly, I would have launched my presidential bid. The world came so close. Maybe next time.

Just Shut Up and Listen

Here’s a great tune, “Underground Garden,” from my friend, Tree. Enjoy.

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Baby, It’s the Guitar Men

Here’s something for you to chuckle over. This is Jimmy (left) and Davis. I believe Ronald Reagan was president then. If I tried to fit into those clothes now, it would look like Lou Ferrigno trying to fit into Bill Bixby’s.

The Week That Was

• Traffic continues to fascinate me. I’m tempted to actually do research into why people are so careless at something so serious. It speaks volumes about the human condition, which is why I’m constantly drawn to it. For example, a tip for some of you: if you are trying to merge, it is perfectly legal to merge behind me. Although you may have to cry and pout that you didn’t get to go first—wahh, wahh——you don’t have to drive on the shoulder, careen off the guardrail and do a double flip in order to merge ahead.
• Speaking of driving, if you come across a cop with his lights on, having pulled someone over, I have good news. He’s busy. You’re safe. There’s no need to stomp on your brake pedal like you’re killing a spider. What are you, a sheep terrified of the cops?
• Bryant Gumbel mocks the Olympics as being “whiter than a GOP convention.” And, being whiter than a GOP convention himself, he ought to know. I agree the winter olympics really blow. I heard one snowboarder dude say, after winning the gold, that he “likes hanging out in the pipe.” I’ll bet. I prefer summer olympics, which means girls playing sand volleyball, running track and swimming, all while wearing tiny, clinging little outfits. Only two more years (sigh).
• Houston Police Chief Harold Hurtt proposed putting surveillance cameras inside people’s homes to help fight crimes during a police shortage. Says Chief (make it) Hurtt: “I know a lot of people are concerned about Big Brother, but my response to that is, if you’re not doing anything wrong, why should you worry about it?” Well. Why don’t you set the example, Chiefy? Let’s set up a camera in your bedroom, and the rest of us will watch you fucking your wife to make sure you don’t knock on her backdoor, which is probably illegal in Texas. Hey, if you’re not doing anything wrong . . .
• Osama bin Laden: “I will never be captured alive.” U.S. Marine Corps: “Tell us something we don’t already know, motherfucker.”
• In my Film History class, we watched “Singin’ In the Rain.” I’d never seen it, and I loved it, only to have the professor’s arrogant assistant tell us that it is racist (“did you see any black people in the movie?”) and sexist (“One female lead was a pushover, the other was a bitch.”). Oh, and that marvelous scene with Gene Kelly, Cyd Charisse and a 25-foot white scarf? Well, that would be a masturbation metaphor. Boy, I’ll bet that professor’s assistant is one fun date at the movies, eh?

Wow, got a little long-winded. Sorry. Have a great week.