"Let’s Get Ready to . . . "

. . . shit your pants! He’s the Beast from the East (that’s him on the left, in case you don’t have your glasses on).

No, he’s not the antichrist. He’s Nikolay Valuev, WBA Heavyweight Champion. He’s 7 feet tall, weighs 323 pounds and has an 85-inch reach. He boxes, enjoys literature, writes poetry and will beat the holy hell out of you if you disrespect his wife.

You gotta problem widdat?

Diana Inquiry More Complex Than Expected

A British inquest into the death of Princess Diana is “more complex” than officials anticipated. Lord Stevens, former head of the London Metropolitan Police and head of the investigation, states that “it is right to say that some of the issues that have been raised by Mr. Fayed [father of Diana's boyfriend Dodi Fayed] have been right to be raised.” This is a stunner, friends.

And just what has Mohammed al Fayed alleged? That Diana and Dodi were assassinated by British Intelligence officials carrying out a plot hatched by Prince Philip, husband of the Queen.

Lord Stevens did not reveal what parts of the Diana conspiracies he feels are worth taking serious. Watch your back, mate.

Well, Here’s a Shock

A study concludes that partisan idealogues are real good at pointing out the speck in their opponent’s eye, but not so good at removing the plank from their own.

Test subjects divided into Democrat and Republican were shown video of George Bush and John Kerry contradicting themselves. Both groups quickly spotted the inconsistencies of the enemy, but denied contradictions by their own man.

So says the psychologist directing the study:

Everyone from executives and judges to scientists and politicians may reason to emotionally biased judgments when they have a vested interest in how to interpret “the facts.”

Well, that’s comforting, eh?

The march to progress moves steadily sideways . . .

Flying Car?

Did Google Earth find Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang?

The Week that Was

A little late with my week in review. Sorry.

I taught my 2-year-old twin daughters to say “dammit.” Not intentionally. I’ve tried so hard to watch my cussin’, but like typical women they just push . . . me . . . to . . . the . . . very . . . edge. I must admit, though, that I think cussing kids are hilarious, even when they’re my own. How can you not laugh when the cats fight and a cute little voice says “stop it, dammit!”

A woman I know in my night class (Film History) who sits behind me reached out to flatten a “shoulder nipple” on my shirt. I turned around to thank her, and noticed (inadvertently, of course) that her own nipple was poking against her shirt a good half-inch. Is that irony?

Harry Belafonte says that the Department of Homeland Security is the new Gestapo. Now, you don’t have to be a Bush lover (snicker) to point out that if we really did have a Gestapo, ol’ Harry would have a bullet in his head already. Nothing wrong with bitching about the growing police state, but such ridiculous hyperbole ain’t helpin’.

According to a new study, how you get undressed says a lot about your personality. I won’t bother you with the link, ladies, just send me a video of yourselves undressing, and I’ll tell you what it means.

Just a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut . . .

Rocky Blog

Make all the Geritol jokes you want, Rocky is coming back and I’m happy. I love Rocky. God bless Rocky.

Oh, Boy. That’s Weird

A 35-year-old Russian man had surgery to remove a “harmless fatty tumor” in his back that had been bothering him for years. When doctors removed the growth, they discovered it was actually the embryo of his unborn twin brother, complete with little arms and legs.

Okay, who can come up with the best one-liner? I’ll lead off:

I got you . . . under my skin . . . (I didn’t set the bar very high, I know).

How I Will Die

While watching whales in an observation area of the aquarium, a suicidal maniac shoots the glass wall of the tank with a shotgun. Four million gallons of water quickly rush out of the tank and into the hallway, drowning you and everyone else around.

So says the Death Psychic. How will you die?

I Vant Your Vote

Saying politics is a “cut-throat business,” self-proclaimed vampire and satanic priest Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey—of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party—is running for governor of Minnesota.

His platform? If elected, Sharkey will:

• Emphasize tax breaks for farmers, education and better benefits for veterans.
• Post “everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed” in government buildings.
• Personally execute convicted murderers and child molesters by impaling them on a wooden pole on the lawn of the state capitol (he just got my vote).

Sharkey drinks blood from the neck of his wife. He doesn’t hate Jesus, but considers God the Father to be his mortal enemy.

I’d love to see him debate on TV.

"Your Papers, Please"

The Ohio legislature——having never read the words of Jefferson, Franklin or Paine, having never read a novel by Orwell or Huxley, having never read a history text—has quietly passed a law allowing police to demand identification without probable cause. Refusing to identify yourself to an officer could land you in jail. An additional provision in the law requires Ohio citizens applying for a driver’s license to sign a form stating they haven’t supported terrorist organizations (not sure what defines a “terrorist organization”).

Let’s see terrorists get around that one, ha!

Actually, if letting police stop us at random to demand I.D. makes us safer, then allowing them to enter our homes at will and search our underwear drawers ought to really make us safe. Hell, just put us all in detention centers with cameras watching our every move. Then we’ll be safe as shit, and that’s all that matters, right? Safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe!