Blow, Buckle and Go

Unfortunately, not as good as it sounds. Volvo is testing several new gadgets to make driving safer. The first one is a breathalyzer‚—not just for convicted drunk drivers, but everyone. Second is a high-tech seatbelt that will prevent the car from starting unless the belt is latched. Third is a smart key that can be programmed to limit the vehicle to preset speeds. Fourth is a specially designed seat that will measure the width of your ass and send a coded satellite message to the Department of Health recommending a mandatory diet . . . okay I made the last one up, but just you wait.
A Volvo spokesman, however, doubts that such oversight would be tolerated in the United States. Apparently, this spokesman has never heard of sobriety checkpoints, traffic light cameras and seatbelt laws.

What Judges Won’t Tell You

Did you know that if you serve on a jury, you have the right to judge not only the facts of the case, but the law itself? Did you know that a jury can refuse to convict if they believe the law is lacking in merit? Did you know that juries can set aside laws they deem to be unfair, unconstitutional or misapplied?
If you were unaware of all this, you’re not alone. The rights of the jury are not taught in schools, nor do judges inform juries of their full powers. Instead, judges tell the jury that they must consider only the facts of the case, and in some cases attorneys have been held in contempt of court for attempting to inform juries of their rights without the judge’s approval.
If you find yourself called upon to serve in the wretched U.S. court system, go to the American Jury Institute and learn your rights, powers and responsibilities.

Stevie Ray Vaughan

It was 15 years ago today. Still hard to believe.

Alpine valley in the middle of the night
Six strings down on the heaven-bound flight
Got a pick, a strap, guitar on his back
Ain’t gonna cut the angels no slack
Heaven done called another blues stringer back home.

How to Survive a Plane Crash

It came as a surprise to me that 19 out of 20 people survive plane crashes. So, as a public service, here’s an article about how to make it out alive. Strap on those Depends and educate yourself.

What a View

This is a pic of the Lagoon Nebula. There’s no shortage of awesome space pics at NASA’s Astronomy Picture of the Day Archive.

Stop the Presses!!!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie visited a dinosaur exhibit in Canada!! They did not ask for any special treatment!!! They arrived at 7 p.m. and stayed for an hour!!! Other museum patrons were very respectful!!! They visited the gift shop, bought toys and left!!! The museum staff was very impressed at how nice they were!!!
Good Lord.

"It’s Something New."

So says a scientist with the U.S. Geological Survey about a strange, blob-like creature that is threatening the ecosystem in the waters off Nova Scotia by forming a gelatinous carpet that separates fish from their food sources. In one year it grew from 15 square kilometers to 104 square kilometers (that would be 9 to 65 square miles for us Yankees).
It has no known predators, and disrupting it only seems to spread it further.
Let me be the first to welcome our new Blob overlords.

School Officials Not Sure What Causes Pregnancy

In an Ohio high school, 65 out of 490 female students are pregnant. There is too much to chuckle at in such a short story, but here are the highlights:

• The school is launching a “three-prong program” to deal with the issue . . . perhaps an unfortunate choice of words.
• School officials are not sure what caused so many pregnancies. Maybe it’s the prong thing.
• “This will make it difficult for the Canton City School District to shake its academic watch designation by the state.” No shit.

Remember, kids, it only takes one prong to get you in trouble.

I’ll Bet This Record Stands Forever

I’ll bet you didn’t know (and neither did I) that the distinguished Guiness Book of World Records recognizes Madeline Albrecht as the world record holder for the most feet and armpits sniffed. Ms. Albrecht tested products for Dr. Scholl’s. She’s sniffed 5600 feet and an “indeterminate number of armpits.”
And you thought your job stunk.

What Is That?

It’s an image from a 14th-century fresco in Kosovo. It’s one of several works of ancient art that show strange objects lurking in the background. Here’s another link with similar images. Skeptics tell us that all of these anomalies can be easily explained. Party poopers.