Don’t Piss Her Off

You could be next . . 

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“I wanted a new leg, and all I got was this lousy anus.”

You’ve probably already heard about the poor woman who went in for a leg operation and got a sphincter switch instead.

Questions:

1. If she likes the new butthole, does she get to keep it?
2. How much does a new butthole cost?
3. Where is the butthole store (and I don’t mean Wal-Mart)?
4. Did they cut the tags? I’ll bet they didn’t even cut the tags.
5. How awkward was it in the operating room when they realized their mistake?
6. Will the court members be able to stop giggling at the malpractice trial?
7. Will the woman’s lawyer tell the jury the difference between a leg and an asshole?
8. Will she have to drop trou in front of the jury, so they can see the new one sparkle?

Really, folks, it’s not funny at all . . .

My Buddies Behinds

• Sitting at the wireless phone store yesterday, I did a double-take when the TV next to me-advertising some “buddy” program for cell phones-said, “don’t leave your buddies behind.” I just want all my buddies out there to know that I will never leave your behinds. Now, on with the link dump:
• A California court orders homeschooled kids to class because the state needs to rescue kids from the emotionally stunted cloistering of their parents. And in other news, a California assistant principal has been arrested for kidnapping and raping a student. Glad to see they’ve got it all sorted out over there.
• Now you can’t even eat the white snow.
• I know a few ladies (and a few guys) who could claim this legal defense . . .
• An idea whose time has so totally come. “I Park Like an Idiot” stickers. Fuggin’ brilliant.
• A new study suggests sexy time should last between 7 to 13 minutes. Thirteen minutes?? Who am I? Bruce Jenner?
• Speaking of sexy time, check out this nifty trick. Practical and entertaining.
• Big Brother, I know you’re reading this. I want you to know that I’ve surrendered. I’ve pretty much lost faith in humanity. Not completely, though. It’s fair to say that there are two distinct classes emerging: those who want no responsibility over their own lives, those who have contempt for the most basic notions of courtesy and decency; and people like me, who give it their best, try to raise their kids right and treat others with respect and wish only to be left alone. I realize the latter group is too small to have much influence, so I am offering my services to you, Big Brother, in the surveillance and suppression of the former group. In exchange for you taking the boot off of my face, I will gladly man the camera monitors, listen to their phone calls, stage unannounced inspections and any other duties you might require. I’m ready to help. Please remember this when That Day comes.

I’m watching you.

Nice Bum Where You From?

• If your puppy carries home a scalp in his furry little maw, the best thing to do is take it door-to-door and see if anyone answers with a bloody dome and a very bad mood.
• One of my favorite types of news stories: Young punks try to assault old man and get their asses shot instead.
• I heard a commercial claiming that the best way to get a woman to take her clothes off is to give her a pajamagram. Is this true? If so, I know quite a few people who are going to be getting pajamagrams from me.
• Some search engine terms that brought people here: chicken pox on buttocks; plump granma; doctor tushie; naked buttocks beating; bouncing butt; mermaid porn; horny mermaids; nice bum where you from; kid cutting man’s head off; dragon’s penis; fat butt pants say juicy; bouncing butt painting. If anyone has a video of the last one, I’d like to see it.
• The other day, Mrs. Jimmy and I tried to impress upon our daughter the importance of not tying things around her neck. “You could die,” was the ultimate lesson. My daughter then informed me that I was not to do any harm to myself, because if I died, I might fall through the wall and break the house, then the cold air would get in, and when (Aunt) Cami and (cousin) Ashton visited, they might get cold. So you see, it is vitally important that I live so the relatives don’t get cold.
• Another school shooting somewhere (you can fill in the blank as to location). However, I’m not taken in by this hoax. Schools are gun-free zones, so it’s impossible to be shot at school. Tell the news media to go peddle this lie somewhere else.
• Our girls each got a disposable camera for Christmas, and yesterday I stood at the sink at some level of undress when I heard, “Smile, Dad!” along with hearing a click and seeing a flash. The girl at the photo lab is in for quite a surprise, I’d reckon.
• Nebraska is considering abolishing the death penalty. Isn’t it interesting how laws protecting convicted murders work every time? While the innocent continue to suffer cruel and unusual punishment? Maybe we should all become criminals.

Don’t eat the yellow snow.

Leave Them Kids Alone

In my local paper, I spotted an ad for an ADHD study conducted by a local research consortium. And just what, exactly, might indicate ADHD in your 6-12 year old?

• Has difficulty paying attention at home or in school.
  • I say, who doesn’t? I had teachers who could make sex ed boring.
• Can’t sit still and is easily distracted, can’t play quietly.
  • I say, kids who play quietly belong in horror films.
• Does not seem to listen, loses things, interrupts others.
  • I say, this describes most women, not children (just kidding, ladies).
• Has trouble taking turns, cannot stay seated, fidgety.
  • I say, this sounds like the complaining of a Dickens villain.

I would be worried if my children didn’t show such symptoms, which are nothing more than symptoms of childhood. Indeed, if your child showed the exact opposite of the above “symptoms,” they’d call your child in for an autism study. You can’t win.

I quote no less an expert than George Carlin: “You wanna help your kids? Leave them the f*ck alone!!!“

You Can Still Fart in America

Alas, the rumors aren’t true.

It was reported that Camden-Rockport Middle School had banned intentional flatulence, which is properly defined as “flatus expelled through the anus” and that intentional farting could result in detention. However, Principal Maria Libby says that there is no new school policy on blowing ass, although she admits that “farting can still be considered a disruption.”

Says student Jordan Taylor: “They [eighth-grade students] would do it [heiney honk] in science class and other places. It’s a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day.” Hey, maybe you only do it 16 times a day, my little eighth-grade leprechaun, but a real man does it 16 times an hour.

One student expressed mixed feelings as to whether or not the public fart show was appropriate. Mixed feelings? If delivering a butt burp were ever appropriate, it wouldn’t be funny.

“Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.”

Oh, I’ll bet that meeting was a hoot . . . or was it a toot?

Ice Cream for Feet

• From the “Kids Don’t Come With Instructions”department: I had to intervene in an argument between my 4-year-old daughters. The beef? One of them said, “Sissy took the ice cream away from my feet.” I responded with Churchillian eloquence: “I don’t want anyone stealing ice cream from feet!!!” That’ll teach ‘em.
• The other day I was in the bathtub when the doorbell rang. Expecting a package, I ran for the door, dripping wet, trying to get my bathrobe on. Upon returning to the tub, I noticed that on my way back I stepped into all of the wet footprints I’d left on my way to the front door. After I was dressed and walking around, I continued to step in the wet footprints. In other words, whether I’m going here or there, I step in the exact same place every time. If I live here long enough, I’ll have left divots in the floor where my feet always land.
• I laughed at this. I mean, crying, tears-and-snot-and-saliva-coursing-down-your-face laughed. Maybe you will, too. (Can’t vouch for other site content.  Mostly because it’s in another language.)
• To the girl at Target: I’m sorry. That strange series of vocal sounds I made to you is called a “greeting.” In the days of yore, people would offer a greeting as a way of being friendly and acknowledging another person’s existence and importance. I meant no offense.
• I’m getting old. I made it only halfway through the new Clive Barker novel (“Mister B. Gone”). It’s about an ancient demon’s fun on earth. About the time he described bathing in infants’ blood and the happy way he filled his tub, I’d had enough. Slaughtered babies just aren’t as entertaining as they used to be, apparently.
• I passed a car wash yesterday. The sign said “Don’t Drive Dirty.” Well. As someone who has driven dirty a time or two, I would argue that point. Party poopers.
• Does anyone else do dumb stuff like this? I noted my dentist appointment on the calendar. I wrote down the time: 3 o’clock. After a second, I added “p.m.” Apparently, I’m afraid I might show up at the dentist at 3 o’clock in the morning.

That’s the end of this negotiation.

What are the Odds?

In the 19th century, Edgar Allan Poe wrote a book called “The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym.” It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl, Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open boat for many days. Eventually the three senior members of the crew killed and ate the cabin boy. The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.

The rest of them are equally creepy.

Sexual or Excretory . . . That is the Question.

The FCC is always good for a chuckle. They are proposing a $1.4 million dollar fine against ABC affiliates because a woman’s tushie appeared on TV nearly five years ago. Apparently, the “NYPD Blue” episode showed “multiple, close-up views of a woman’s naked buttocks.” (Netflix, here I come.)

Apparently, the debate is over the exact status of a woman’s ass. Is it an excretory or sexual organ? ABC argues that the tookas is not a sexual organ. The FCC disagrees, which makes you wonder what they’re doing at the Christmas party.

So, let the debate begin. Is the booty an excretory or sexual organ???

Or both??